More thoughts from my break...

I realized when I was only halfway done saying some of my thoughts that they were just all over the place. Now ill finish :)

PRIVILEGED-March 23rd (PM)
Today I feel overwhelmingly privileged. Perhaps it is part of my journey to stop and realize i'm privileged, but to then think of for what reason that may be. Not only is it a blessing to have come to South Africa, but to be here in Zambia, with the amazing people I have built relationships with and to know I have people that love me in South Africa when I return Friday and people that love me back in the US now, when I return in June, and forever. I am grateful to be loved, to feel love for others, and to be falling in love right now.
From The Last Summer (of You & Me) By:Ann Brashares

"Healing wasn't always the best thing. Sometimes a hole was better left open. Sometimes it healed too thick and too well and left separate pieces fused and incompetent, and it was harder to reopen after that."

"Sometimes I see it as a tricky mountain pass between two valleys, other times it's like perilous straits connecting two lands. Partly it's the fear that I won't be able to get back. I'll turn around and the cloud will have settled over the mountain, or the waters will have risen and shifted and there will be no way home... The real fear is that I won't be able to go home"

It's become easy for me to make myself at home with the people i've met and in the places i've gone. This will be night 4 at Jollyboys and already I feel at home amongst the colorful patterns on the cushions and by the pool reading. Maybe it's not the actual goodbye, but the fear that back home it isn't how I left it or that the comfort I feel in one place won't be able to be felt in another. How can two places or persons be the same though? Every place and person is different and unique for a reason. Things won't ever be the same when I go home at any point because things happened for those people when I was away and things (a lot of things already!) will have happened for me.

HEADING HOME-March, 25th
We're headed out of Zambia now and I can't believe break is almost over. I hate that it went by as fast as it did about as much as I hate the amount of money I spent (no birthday/Christmas gifts for a while!), but I am also very happy and grateful for the time I spent in Livingstone and for the people I got to spend it with. I learned that I like control on this trip because I planned many of our activities. I didn't mind it because then I knew it was planned. It did create frustration, which may have outweighed the control towards the end. When people wanted plans changed I kind of felt like the blame was put on me, but the trip was well worth the planning it took and also the money spent, because I will never get a chance to do something like this in the future (as far as I can see at least). As we prepare to return to South Africa I am excited to be back "home" and also back to the friends I have missed.

The Beginning of the Bucket List

My time here is just about half way over and I can't believe all that has happened already. This past week I flew to Zambia with some close friends and we were able to do lots of activities. I am happy I had the chance to go on such an awesome trip. My parents are seriously the best for letting me go. Unfortunately coming home I must have eaten something bad because I got sick when I got home, and this was AFTER realizing someone had stolen my card information in Zambia and about $300 in total. That was a frustrating way to start the weekend before having to return back to school and teaching my grade 5 students at Lynedoch. Throughout the week I was able to journal... A LOT! I even read an entire sappy summer novel and started a good book by Anthony Bourdain called Kitchen Confidential.

I'll share some of my journals and where I was journaling from.

Where I sat on the 21st


I decided it was time I start a bucket list since a lot of the stuff I did in the past week was pretty adventurous!
"I've decided i'm at a point where i've done some pretty cool stuff and still there is a bit more i would like to do before my time comes. It's not that i'm trying to think of the end in some messed up way, it's just that when I make goals I have something to work towards. So here I begin the list as I sit by a pool make of stones with a fountain and waterfall, reading a summer love story book. May the list be created so that I can live a fuller life working to see and learn more from the places I go and people I meet along the way.
BUCKET LIST:
-Go to all 50 states (I have about 26 done)
-Go to all seven natural wonders (I have been to the Grand Canyon and Victoria Falls)
-Go to twenty countries (I have been to Mexico, Italy, England, Scotland, South Africa, and Zambia)
-Make every recipe in a cookbook (a slightly healthy one is probably a good idea!)
-Hike 25 mountains (I have done at least 5?)
-Bungi Jump
-Skydive
-Read the Bible cover to cover
-MORE TO COME

March 23rd (I thought about a lot this day but this is just a little)
I've only been in Zambia since Sunday and i'm learning that distance makes the heart grow fonder. I am having familiar feelings of caring about someone as much as myself and putting a person into images of things to come. Do I still need time for myself? Doesn't someone ALWAYS need time for themselves? I have to find the balance. I need time for the word and with Christ. My faith has kept me on my feet here many times and I have to remember that...I need to learn Afrikaans... I think about life back home and what the next few years will being for myself and my family. It is crazy and exciting and I am so blessed. How will things be different when I return home?

I've been reading C.S. Lewis' Mere Christianity. I have to read it slow and take notes in order to process it the way I want. I have another one of his books at home with excerpts from this one so it is nice to finally get the full book. I reflecting on some of it over break. I really like his reminder that there isn't real happiness apart from God. I mean it makes sense. How can you be fully happy unless you know that there is something better than everything here at every minute of everyday?! There is plenty of poverty and war around us to try and trick us into believing that there is something other than God, but "God designed human to run on himself" so we must rather see poverty and hunger as fuel for our spirits to become fruitful. I love the quote near the end of this particular chapter then Lewis says

"You can shut him up for a fool. You can spit at him and kill him as a demon, or you can fall at his feet and call him Lord and God."

I'm Home

"I never knew of a morning in Africa when I woke that I was unhappy."-Ernest Hemingway

This weekend I have stayed in Stellenbosch and for the most part in my room like a hermit crab. The two good things about this were that I could recover from a nasty cold (still hoping that is all it is) and that I could save a little bit of money. I was going to go hiking and do some cliff jumping, and also surf. I decided against the hiking last minute and we cancelled on the surfing because it was becoming not worth it. Friday I had a great day at Lynedoch, after not feeling so well on Thursday. By Friday night I was feeling bad again and had already gotten emotional in class at Lynedoch. I came home because I couldn’t stay out with everyone any longer (they had more energy than me) and just started missing home. I knew it was because I wasn’t feeling well and needed to rest. I have gotten better already and am anticipating an amazing semester break trip in a week.

At Lynedoch Friday I needed some alone time and wrote a little bit while sitting outside in the garden: “I think about how long I’ve been here and the time I’ve spent with new friends and I’m shocked by the fact that we’re almost to the halfway point. Then, I think about the beautiful relationships that are developing and it’s no surprise that it’s March already. In the past 2 years or so home has been wherever I am at a given moment. I wasn’t quite ready to say I was home in South Africa in January when I arrived, but I am home now. It’s interesting to feel this way when yesterday I missed home very much after waking up feeling terrible. We were eating dinner at a restaurant owned by an Italian man (my other home in Italy came to mind quickly) and after missing home most of the day I was trying to just be present where I was. At this moment a familiar smelled seeped into my nose and I saw an old man smoking a pipe. I couldn’t hold back my emotions any longer and got a bit upset (Dad, don’t worry it was because he had a pipe, not because he was old, that made me think of you and home). Maybe part of the reason I’m feeling at home is because I spent another great night with friends or perhaps it’s because I’m at Lynedoch right now journaling in the grass with the “African sun” on my back. Whatever the explanation, it’s good to be HOME… finally.”

My emotions have definitely been all over the place this weekend, but I end it still feeling like I am now at home in this place and I am ever so grateful for the people around me.

“Let them give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for men, for he breaks down gates of bronze and cuts through bars of iron.” –Psalm 107:15-16

Community Development

This is just a reflection on some of my work at Lynedoch from my Learning for Sustainable Community Engagement course at Lynedoch Primary school. The experience I have had at Lynedoch has been humbling, rewarding, challenging and emotional.

The Development Context
I have learned that development is a process and you can’t rush that process. Grant's analogy of a flower opening organically puts it well. You can’t open the flower yourself or then it dies. In the development context you must always allow things to work organically while considering factors and dynamics of a community. If you create space for growth and hope, within a community, then levels of ignorance decrease. I have grown as a community member because I have listened to my classmates and tried to really process their opinions. I have remained open-minded and continue to try to let things work out as they will. I always try to make time to reflect because this is a very important step in my development as well.

Relationship Building
Relationships are essential in the community development context and I have understood their importance more and more as the class has progressed. My relationships with my small group are important because everyone should feel comfortable enough to be honest and hold each other accountable for our work in the classroom. When there have been small problems we have talked them through and seen where the other person was coming from. I have learned how important it is to not be lazy in my relationships with the kids and my group because this is holding me and the people around me back from learning more. I am sometimes physically or emotionally drained when I come to or leave class, but try to remember while at Lynedoch I must stay energized so that people can work better with me. It is better to under promise and over deliver than it is to make big promises to people and not keep them (learned this from Grant). I have to remember that I made a promise to my class to be attentive and I also have to keep my promise to complete the designs for the playground in a timely fashion.

Reciprocity and Enabling Empowerment
I have not always been a good listener and I think that it is really important when it comes to enabling empowerment. You have to be able to give people a chance to share their opinions and you have to listen so you can consider how they may be helpful in the community. This means that you must give up some of your power and privilege of decision making so everyone has a say. You are giving up a bit of control and trusting the people in the community that you have made relationships with. I like that the educators are always reminding students that they have a choice and I have seen the students think creatively when they remember that. Recently we taught the kids about their rights and I think it is important for them to know that even as children they have rights. This connects again to the empowerment because when children know they have choices and rights they will be empowered.

Poverties
It is hard to completely understand the poverty that these children live in on multiple levels, because to really understand poverty you have to feel poverty. That is perhaps why Ghandi said “Poverty is the worse form of violence.” You can sometimes only do so much for an impoverished person, especially if the poverty is family poverty or individual poverty. To separate poverty up a bit has been helpful for me, because I think that many people live in poverty in this world but it is on many different levels. It is helpful for me to connect poverty to the Bio Ecological System because you can better find on what level someone is experiencing poverty. These kids may be getting the essential things they need to survive but because their social environment is lacking they are still impoverished. I am trying to remember that poverty can’t be addressed alone, it has to be eradicated.

Creating New Knowledge Spaces through Community Engagement
A new knowledge space was created for me from the first day at Lynedoch. I was already looking at things differently after the first class. Things are so hierarchical in the US sometimes and thinking about working on the same level of everyone in a community is a new way of thinking. We have to work collaboratively not only with our group, but with our educators and with the students. That is why we have to understand that things are always changing and be open to letting them flow. IN a new knowledge space you have to be able to adapt because you are in a community learning about how things function for the people in it. This class has created learning opportunities in incredible ways for me.


Good Leader within the Community Development Context
I believe to start with the idea that “people are more important than the process” (Grant Demas) in the community development context is best because you are aware that you must create a space to build relationships first thing. You cannot position yourself higher than the people you are working with, but rather place yourself beside them so that you can understand them. This connects to the round table idea, where people can all sit in a circle at one level and see each other equally. The good leaders in our history have been people that went in and worked with a community, rather than for (Christ, Mother Theresa, and Nelson Mandela). Because you are working with people, you must be able to be flexible and adjust to the dynamics of people and processes. It must stay an organic process as much as possible.
If you don’t have a passion to work in community development you will not be able to place yourself correctly with the people in the community and so that is a necessary quality. You must love what you do because “the opposite of love is laziness” (Grant Demas). If you see everyone as an equal and love on them, they will learn from you, as a leader, how they should treat others. You have to consider where persons have come from and the dynamic of the group as a whole. This must be done with patience so no one gets frustrated in the process of working. There also has to be respect which comes from loving people properly. You have to respect and love the people you make relationships with so that you can challenge and support one another, no matter who is on what level. Lastly, don’t forget to take time to reflect on what you are learning about a community and the people you are creating relationships with.

Thoughts Poured Out

It’s hard to believe I haven’t blogged in so long, because I really enjoy getting things out and having enough time to sit down and write about it. It means that I get to reflect back on it. Guess we have the rest of the entire month of February to catch up on. How did that month just slip away?!

After enjoying a Thursday to myself I spent the weekend at Table Mountain with my group. It was beautiful, but I learned that hiking down, rather than up, Table Mountain will screw up your knees. I was in some serious pain the next morning. It was on this same day though that I was able to think about the great gifts God has given us. You can’t stand on top of Table Mountain, look around at its beauty and not be speechless. The beauty of this place is just something you have to experience, and I realized after last weekend in the center of Cape Town that I may enjoy the city, but I’m not a city girl. I like hiking and enjoying a good hike with good friends. Its free, it’s fun, its good exercise, and wherever I hike always seems beautiful enough to leave me joyful.

I’m still not sure if I’ve comprehended that I’m in this place. Knowing that I have been here for well over a month now I am thinking about where my head and my heart are. You get caught up in the excitement of going out with new really great friends, and the time slips away. Some of that time is spent looking too far ahead or thinking about something that you can’t change from the past. I want to reach the goals I have made for myself while I am here, but I want to make sure I am making small goals rather than large unreachable ones. I have to constantly stop myself, amidst being present for my friends, and ask MYSELF the question: what is really best for Hannah? When I know the answer I can work towards it and set limits so I don’t cross boundaries. For example I’ve learned that if I want to be respected, I have to first respect myself. I must not let burdens of my life here, or of the things going on at home crush me. I remember hearing this when listening to a Vintage21 sermon the other week. I must be PRESENT in what is happening (and what I want to happen) here. God has entrusted me with a great privilege and that is to come here and do something awesome. I can doubt my doubt, but I must remember Christ is with me until the very end of the age (Matthew 28:19-20). People ask how I am here, so far away from home, but it is because I know I am supposed to be here. God has said “never will I leave you, never will I forsake you.” “The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid” (Hebrews 13:5-6).

Service learning has been going so well and now we are working to make a playground for the kids. To see that come together would be incredible (http://lpsplayground.blogspot.com/). I have to get busy with the designs. I have to stay on top of my game if I want things to get finished! I am really in South Africa though. It’s quite crazy to talk about a place for so long and then getting there and learning all about it. As much as I hate reading for my Arcadia class at times, or having to ride into Cape Town I am learning a lot from that course. I must see every class or trip as a gift and opportunity to learn more.

As I am learning through my community development course I need to keep somewhat of an empty agenda and just give time to learn and take in the things around me. I have to approach projects with humility and take time to learn about them so the results can be lasting and projects permanent. We also talked about laziness being the opposite of love. That has stuck with me because I have found it to be so true. I have really come to love some people here and I have seen love given to me, but laziness is present in neither. I feel like I was recently in a relationship where I wasn’t giving enough love and thinking that it could have been because I was being lazy made it make a bit more sense. In a good relationship neither party will be lazy, but rather want to put their heart into it. It’s loving unconditionally.

I leave with a story that left me a bit of a mess after Thursday, but I am just now blogging about it. Today I got really emotional when a woman in KFC sat beside us and wanted some of my friends food. We gave her a small piece of chicken and some fries, assuming she would then leave. She in fact stayed beside us to eat. When my friend finished his chicken he had a napkin pull of almost bare chicken bones. The woman than motioned to him that she wanted his left overs. She took food that was garbage to him as her dinner. It was hard to watch and I dismissed my self from the table before I got emotional. I am not sure why it has stayed on my heart so much but I wanted to share it. "Let them give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for men, for he satisfies the thirsty and fills the hungry with good things." (Psalm 107:8-9)

I know I have left things out, but I am in the middle of lots of work and my mind is in a lot of places. Hope to lay some more of it out for myself, which will probably get done by blogging again this weekend. Spring break was booked on Friday!! I am flying to the Zambia side of Victoria Falls and I am SO excited. I am going with 4 of my closest friends here.