Was that a dream?

June 14^th 2011

Now that I am back home and rearranging life while frantically searching for some work (so I can have money and keep my sanity in Laurinburg) I realize that I was REALLY just in beautiful South Africa for 5 months.  I can’t believe the semester I wanted from the moment I arrived as a freshman at Meredith has already come and gone before I could catch my breath.  As I begin to prepare for my last year of college and begin to realize that I must really get my mess together in the next year I panic.  I had some really good talk time with friends today and I almost wished I could have recorded our conversations because it was as if there was realization after realization about life after school and just things ahead in life like work, bills, and marriage.  I am not trying to say I need to figure all or any of those things out JUST yet, but at least the work part has got me under a bit of stress.  I know my search has only begun if I actually want to find some kind of work, but it also frustrating because I am neither here in Laurinburg long enough to work (that is a good but bad thing) or open to doing just anything.  I mean I would like to be happy doing what I am doing and while I understand I am most likely not going to find a paid job that will benefit my interior design studies, I can’t wear a cap and sit at a drive thru either.  I guess this gap between now and August is hard because I am not sure of what is ahead (at least between August and May) but I have no idea how I will find a good job and be happy here in Laurinburg right now.  This is a concern that arose within me before even leaving Stellenbosch, but now that I am physically in Laurinburg it is more present.  I would really like to find work, but whether that comes through or not I do know that there are a few more things I want for my summer and so I will try to rather focus on those goals instead so that I can feel productive and accomplished through them.  Some of these include continuing to work out, organizing all of my things, working through a cookbook, and just reflecting on the semester.

There is nothing more dreadful than the habit of doubt. Doubt separates people. It is a poison that disintegrates friendships and breaks up pleasant relations. It is a thorn that irritates and hurts; it is a sword that kills. –Buddah

Speechless

It is hard to believe i've been back a week.  I mean, when I am home with people familiar to me and in familiar places it is hard to remember being somewhere else for 5 months.  However, the moment I think of being at Brazen with friends or hanging out in Stellenbosch I get home sick.  Today, on my grandmother's 86th birthday, I was reminded that words won't do a thought or memory justice.  This happened in a strange way.  

You see my grandmother hasn't been able to share her thoughts through speaking for months now.  Her emotions are shown through eyebrow raises or tears running down her face.  If I was my grandmother and had to show my emotions without speaking to explain my time in South Africa I would raise my eyebrows for the shock that still hits me after remembering bungy jumping off the world's highest bungy bridge.  I would laugh when remembering countless nights with dear friends in Stellenbosch and I would cry because I miss them so much already.  I would smile when I think of the love I found in that place which has led to beautiful relationships and friendships.  Then the tears of joy would come when I think about the joy I found in that city with those people and through my kids at Lynedoch Primary when they were given a beautiful playground.  That is what I hope my emotions would tell people if I couldn't speak.

I wonder what my grandmother wanted to tell me today when her eyebrows rose as I told her about my adventures or tears ran down her face after I arrived and gave her a big hug which i'd been waiting 5 months to give.  One thing I do know is that I am happy I got to celebrate another birthday with her and I think she was too. -(June 18th, 2011)

Leaving and Getting Home

June 9th-Airport
Today was complete chaos, but i could not have asked for a more beautiful last day in Stellenbosch.  The sun was shining and the clear skies made Stellenbosch mountain impossible to miss.  Last night I finished off all of the beer on the Beer Quest list at Brazen, leaving only my Guinness to enjoy over lunch in the bar which holds countless memories.  These past few days have flown by and I think my body is moving physically fast through the motions of goodbyes and packing.  I'm afraid for the emotions to catch up and kick my butt soon.

June 10th-Home in Laurinburg
I was able to re open Frederick Buechner's Listening to Your Life devotional for the first time in months and this days daily devotional encourages one to step into the darkness.  I feel as though the summer ahead is very full of darkness, but I pray that it challenges me in a way that leads to growth and more space to reflect on the past semester so I can use new knowledge in older familiar environments.  I left when the sun was going down in Cape Town and tonight I got back home and after crossing into Scotland County I turned around to see a huge beautiful sunset.

Great Week with a Great Friend!

In my last full week of being in South Africa I took a Garden Route trip with my dear New Yorker friend Maria (better known as BooBoo) which started right near us at the Spier wine estate and ended in the sea side town of Port Elizabeth.  Here are the journal entries I wrote along our adventure!
DAY ONE
We have a nice roomy adventure bus (or truck as our driver better refers to it) and really diverse group.  There is a Swed (to remind me of Maria x2 and Kriztin) and two girls from Holland (to remind me of Thijs and Jiska), then there is a Canadian girl and an older couple, one who is Canadian and one who is from England.  We are riding along the N2 and will stay in Swellendam tonight.  I'd love to see Martin's mom if we stop in or near Mossel Bay at some point.  Last night we talked about my leaving and my being scared for it.  We talked about how I m not scared our love will fade or that I will doubt him and I but that so many other people may.  I don't want negative pressure on either of our ends.  I was glad that when I asked him (or told him) about how it's hard because we don't know when we will see each other again he says "when the time is right."  It's something he told me that I hope he remembers but also that shows his strength or at least his hope for us.

DAY ONE-Evening
Sleeping in a big gathering space that reminds me of sleeping with 85 teenagers on Teens Westward Bound in 2006.  We even stopped at the mall today and it reminded me of those short frantic stops along the TWB trip where I would just THINK I was hungry and once Athena (a girl from Laurinburg) and myself bought an entire chocolate pie and ate it.  I hate how cold and rainy it was today, but hopefully it will go away for tomorrow so we can enjoy the Cango Caves.  Can't fight mother nature though, it is a battle you'll never win.
DAY 3
Last night after an awesome adventure in the Cango Caves and an ostrich ride/feeding we parked the trust at our site for the  night.  Last night we stayed in Outshoorn, home to the largest population of ostriches in the world (I think).  Maria and I discovered a bath tub in the warm bathhouse and after a traditional South African/Zimbabwe dinner of meat and "pup" (maize like food similar to grits, but thicky) we had a warm bath in our bathing suits and drank wine.  We are both beginning to freak out a bit about the small amount of time we have left.  Hopefully I can settle playground payments today... Off to Knysna.

DAY 4
Knysna was both relaxing and fun, maybe a bit accomplishing too.  We went to the water front and since there wasn't too much to do we enjoyed coffee, cake, and ice cream at a little Italian restaurant.  We had an Italian/South African waiter and it was fun to make conversation with him.  We called Cindy and Justin and realized how much we already missed them so we began plotting how we could get home sooner.  We found internet at a cute restaurant and across the street wine bottles caught our eye.  We went back for a free tasting after successfully finding a hookah.  Her name is Cleo and she is red, in case you were wondering.  It was nice to walk around the Knysna town and not just the waterfront.  The owner of the shop/restaurant with wine had only been open 10 days and his aspirations reminded me a lot of Martin's.  Maria and I decided to pay R80 extra for a caravan and it has a TV, its own bathroom and even a deck.  It was quite nice until the bathroom flooded during our showers.  I have enjoyed "our family times" at meals and after when Shadwell talks to us about the next day and new conversations start.  Topics so far are: marriage and licenses.

DAY 5
We made it to our camp site in Tsitsikamma and set up camp.  After lunch Maria and I were doing dishes and everyone left for a cheetah walk.  We weren't thinking and after realized they had left with all of our things including purses, money, and shoes.  We had to do the canopy tour with strings tired around our flipflops and needed to still pay.  In other news I, Hannah Rose Massey just did the WORLDS HIGHEST BUNGY!! It was sick (thats a good thing in slang)!! Now on the way to hike.




DAY 6
The hike yesterday was awesome!  It was a bit more climbing than expected, but I like rock hopping and the waterfall at the end of the 3kms was spectacular.  I tried to make the hike better by singing Christmas songs (and a few others) and also pretending the rocks were ostrich eggs.  Maria didn't go the bungy in the morning but we got to go back after the hike and she DID IT!  They let me walk out to the bridge and watch and I was acting like a proud mother when she finished and they were even playing Rihanna.  After we got back we enjoyed hot showers and dinner.  We hung out at the bar and stayed up longer thatn we had another other night (so only until midnight!).  Freddy, the bartender have us the key to the extra room and we got to sleep in a bid with a down comforter.  I was so excited!  We're off to Addo now and I am amped about seeing lots of elephants :)

DAY 7
There was lots of elephants seen!  Probably about 20 or so and countless Kudo, 2 lions, some Zebra, and some warthogs.  It was nice to have a real game drive, well three, before leaving South Africa.  We had a sunset, sunrise, and then morning drive.  Janis, our truck, broke down yesterday afternoon causing us to enjoy our hot lunch (yes, hot lunch of fish fillets and "chips" or fries) on the N2 and then we got transport to Addo.  After our guided sunset drive through Addo we got to eat at the restaurant because Janis still was not fixed.  We ate delicious Kudo and after I was ready for some good sleep before the early morning and sleepless nights in Stellenbosch that followed.  Today after seeing the sunrise and eating breakfast we went back into the park to look for more animals, but all I could do was start into space and think about how I only have 4 days left here in South Africa.  I though to myself how is it that a semester can do by so fast, but be so great that I meet people and saw places I feel like I have known and seen for years?  It is quite a weird feeling and while the excitement of being back home to friends, family, and good southern food starts to come, the disappointment of leaving what is now home and comfortable is difficult and seems nearly impossible.  I have tried to compare it to my leaving Italy, but that is hard because it was a different time and place with different people.  I found peace and independence in Italy, but I have found hope and love here in South Africa.  I can say I have found pure joy in both my home in Sansepolcro and my home in Stellenbosch and that is nice.  I just pray that my summer can bring back all of those feeling a positive way through reflection and new involvement with the people in my life and in the community I am a part of in Raleigh.  I also hope these new few days, my last in Stellenbosch, are nothing short of perfect.  I hope the goodbyes are really "see you soons" and I hope I can remember I will see each one of the people I love here again when "the time is right."