My blog doesn't show
this to be true, but I have been processing and writing and thinking a lot this
month. It happens in train rides, and in
quiet moments, and sometimes I don't even get to write it down. I think that getting your thoughts out, at
least for me can help me release and get things off my mind.
Sometimes you are
writing in the moment, like this rough day last week:
"Uh oh its
happening again. My throat is getting tight and I'm trying so hard not to lose
it. Not here, don't cry in front of people Hannah. Get it together...Okay,
maybe a good cry is what you need to feel better. Shit, here it goes. Too many questions being asked--What are you
doing here? Stop that, don't you see how lucky you are?!
These strange
moments come up when you least expect them.
If you've been far from home for any extending period of time, you too
probably know which moments I'm talking about.
Those epic cry fests where you wallow in all you miss and question why
you are where you are. I got to have one
today, just as the rain started pouring down and I was walking back and forth
just trying to stay busy.
I think we have to
endure these really tough moments because there are then those moments of unexplainable joy when
we least expect it too. "
That moment came
because I had been thinking a lot about how it feels and what it means to be
here, but was always brought back to the fact that it is human of us to be sad
sometimes too, even if you're in a beautiful place. That's when I wrote this:
"It's human
nature to be curious about the future or anxious for what is next. We so often
find it impossible to live in the moment and savor it. I'm caught up with
preparation and anticipation when, especially this summer, I should JUST BE.
All around me I see
people capture a moment in time often taking too many pictures to realize the
beauty around. Then and organizing the next move takes away from the chance you
have to enjoy the moment you're in. Why
can't we love the time we have wherever God has us? I am trying to abide and rest in his
plan."
Then there are those
thoughts that never leave. Those ones
that I have come to realize are probably not leaving for good reason. They are in my head everyday, and I want them
to be a part of what I do in the work that is ahead and in the life I live
outside of my job:
"All of my
thoughts often link back to my idea that everyone desires community in some
sense of the term. Even if we all don't see it in the same way we want a place
or a people that feels like home, that we can always get back to. I think it is interesting to think about what
community means to people in small towns, in bigger cities, in church
communities, at the workplace, or in the place that you call "your
community."
The last several
weeks have been a whirlwind. Loved ones and friends coming and going. Working abnormal hours and not following any
sort of schedule for sleep literally has me walking in circles sometimes.
I had to stop and
think about this month before I left for Dublin and Bath though. More so, I decided I needed to make sure
August was what I wanted it to be. It
will be my last month before returning home for an entirely new adventure.
This week while
drowning in apartment options (in almost every neighborhood in Dallas), and
after distracting myself from that with So You Think You Can Dance videos, I
realized I knew what August should be. I have to keep going (especially on
Monday while running my 4th half marathon!) and I need to just play HAVE
FUN, and enjoy the time! As my dear friend (who I got to see
in Italy this month!) reminded me before I left, play is so important. It allows you to release and live in
the moment, just as we know children do!
So in August:
giocare
