Why I Serve.

This is a simple ask that no one trivialize what I have chosen, along with thousands of others, to do with my year.  That is especially because I don't want my work for the cause to end when my service term does, because that would be unsustainable and irresponsible.  You may call me crazy but I think anyone that doesn't do more for the homeless, hungry, and struggling should step back and realize what is crazy is the ignorance of our nation.  Let me elaborate...

In deciding to serve with Americorps for the year, I am choosing to serve my country and help those in need.  What is happening to us, that I have to feel it a poor decision to help my fellow Americans, and my community?  I pray we haven't become so selfish.  Now don't get me wrong, I am not tooting my horn but I am trying to get out some frustration with all the questioning.  I am also trying to make people think about how they serve their community, because we should all be doing what we can (with what we have) to give back, whether it be in time, money, or prayer.  We all have the capacity to give, and as God's people by golly he CALLS us to.

Since 1994 Americorps members have given 1 billion hours of service to their communities.  I am one of about 800,000 for which Americorps seems like a great way to give back, learn, and grow.  When I left Meredith College I'd admit that I was ready to try and save the world.  No one single person can do that, but if thousands of us commit to serve in any sort of capacity, whether it be Americorps or just volunteering I know the world would look different.  Living on a budget that places me below the poverty line is both challenging and eye opening.  It reminds me of how much I have to be grateful for, but how much more simply I could be living.  1 in 7 Americans are living in poverty and of those living in poverty, one third are children… And people want to know why I decided to serve?!

The need for housing is rising. In our world there are 1 billion people living in slums.  I won't try to fix any of these problems alone, but I will make sure that I am part of a group that is trying.  Since I can only be a piece to the puzzle, I will also advocate and ask others to join in, from policymakers to folks in the private sector.  Going to the leadership conference for Habitat Americorps members gave me lots of ideas on what to ask, and do.  There is plenty to be done and I will remember that on the harder days.  I feel honored to be a part of the Habitat Americorps family and lucky that I had the opportunity to apply and move to Dallas to work with Habitat for Humanity.

I will get things done for America - to make our people safer, smarter, and healthier.

I will bring Americans together to strengthen our communities.

Faced with apathy, I will take action.

Faced with conflict, I will seek common ground.

Faced with adversity, I will persevere.

I will carry this commitment with me this year and beyond.

I am an AmeriCorps member, and I will get things done.

-Americorps member pledge

"What NOW?"

The sun hits my face and dries my tears as I watch Sansepolcro become further away.  Fast forward two weeks later and now I'm crying on the only piece of furniture I can claim as my own in a brand new city.  Transitions can happen FAST and taking the time to process them is challenging because life continues to move and HAPPEN. Making the new, the new NORM needs time.  Those were reminders all September long...

Now is a new month and there is still self doubt of decisions made (and in the making) and questions of what comes next even though there is still so much new.  Settling for what SEEMED like enough for a while wasn’t okay any longer early on this year.  Now I have willingly set myself up in a situation both challenging and  even sometimes lonely. I chose THIS.  So therefore there is reason my creator put me in this situation, doing what I am doing… right?

The transition to something new has looked different this time because I almost needed to take myself back to where I was in Italy, in a way that would remind me it all actually happened.  For me that has been reading "A Traveller in Italy" by H.V. Morton.  He goes on for pages about the smallest details of the most unexpected places, and that is part of the beauty I found myself while in Italy this summer.  I also found beauty in transformations, in myself, in students that chose to study abroad, and in what it all meant to me at the end of the experience.

I knew if I didn't take the time right now to process things a bit, I wouldn't have the chance for a long time.  That is because this week Dallas Area Habitat is helping build 30 new hopes in East Oak Cliff and refurbishing another 20.  We have our work cut out for us, but we are lucky to be a part of some great work!  I am keeping my fingers crossed that this is last week in Dallas without Mike too.  Saturday and Sunday afternoon football would be a bit more fun to watch with him here after all.  It'll be "the next big thing" for our relationship.  The other thing missing for me right now is a second job, and that is the last piece of the chaos that is HOPEFULLY ahead.  I am anxious for it all but I've tried to make time that is more still, a time to do just that-- be more still.  You see if someone asked me would I rather sit around on a Saturday at home or be out for various errands, meet-ups, or opportunities all day I would chose the later.  However, the extrovert in me has turned back into my own shell for a little bit of stillness every now and then, and I've allowed myself to be okay with that.

So here I am ready for whatever this next year, or three, or five, has to bring.  The challenge in the time ahead is to listen to my heart and pray for direction and vocation.  What is it that I have been put here to do?  I understand that those in my generation have more jobs before we are 30 than our parents generation have ever had, but there is something that seems oh so gratifying about working really hard for that one (or maybe it’s a few) thing that you want to be a part of--that mission, that movement, and your calling.

So what do I EXPECT (and hope) this next chapter to be?  I hope that I can learn about living a little more simply, giving a little more generously (even if its giving of my time) and listening to myself and others a bit more intentionally.   I recently read a speech MLK gave to a group of students about life's blueprint.  We should each think about what our blueprint is so we can build a life that we will look back and be proud of.  MLK reminded students that they should remember their worth, set out to do life well, and step into the doors that are opened for each of them. He simply suggested that we work hard and that the people we become should be the best version of ourselves, whatever that may look that.  So in this, my favorite month of October, cheers to loving and listening well, and as I did in August, continuing to have some fun. 

**Title quote by my dear friend Liz Yaros.

Giocare Sempre

My blog doesn't show this to be true, but I have been processing and writing and thinking a lot this month.  It happens in train rides, and in quiet moments, and sometimes I don't even get to write it down.  I think that getting your thoughts out, at least for me can help me release and get things off my mind. 

Sometimes you are writing in the moment, like this rough day last week:

"Uh oh its happening again. My throat is getting tight and I'm trying so hard not to lose it. Not here, don't cry in front of people Hannah. Get it together...Okay, maybe a good cry is what you need to feel better. Shit, here it goes.  Too many questions being asked--What are you doing here? Stop that, don't you see how lucky you are?!

These strange moments come up when you least expect them.  If you've been far from home for any extending period of time, you too probably know which moments I'm talking about.  Those epic cry fests where you wallow in all you miss and question why you are where you are.  I got to have one today, just as the rain started pouring down and I was walking back and forth just trying to stay busy. 

I think we have to endure these really tough moments because there are  then those moments of unexplainable joy when we least expect it too. "

That moment came because I had been thinking a lot about how it feels and what it means to be here, but was always brought back to the fact that it is human of us to be sad sometimes too, even if you're in a beautiful place. That's when I wrote this:

"It's human nature to be curious about the future or anxious for what is next. We so often find it impossible to live in the moment and savor it. I'm caught up with preparation and anticipation when, especially this summer, I should JUST BE.

All around me I see people capture a moment in time often taking too many pictures to realize the beauty around. Then and organizing the next move takes away from the chance you have to enjoy the moment you're in.  Why can't we love the time we have wherever God has us?  I am trying to abide and rest in his plan."

Then there are those thoughts that never leave.  Those ones that I have come to realize are probably not leaving for good reason.  They are in my head everyday, and I want them to be a part of what I do in the work that is ahead and in the life I live outside of my job:

"All of my thoughts often link back to my idea that everyone desires community in some sense of the term. Even if we all don't see it in the same way we want a place or a people that feels like home, that we can always get back to.  I think it is interesting to think about what community means to people in small towns, in bigger cities, in church communities, at the workplace, or in the place that you call "your community."

The last several weeks have been a whirlwind. Loved ones and friends coming and going.   Working abnormal hours and not following any sort of schedule for sleep literally has me walking in circles sometimes. 

I had to stop and think about this month before I left for Dublin and Bath though.  More so, I decided I needed to make sure August was what I wanted it to be.  It will be my last month before returning home for an entirely new adventure.

This week while drowning in apartment options (in almost every neighborhood in Dallas), and after distracting myself from that with So You Think You Can Dance videos, I realized I knew what August should be. I have to keep going (especially on Monday while running my 4th half marathon!) and I need to just play HAVE FUN, and enjoy the time!  As my dear friend (who I got to see in Italy this month!) reminded me before I left, play is so important.  It allows you to release and live in the moment, just as we know children do!

So in August: giocare 

Big Moves

It is hard to believe another month will begin next week, especially because  I am still trying to decipher where April  went and next month is JULY!  As another group prepares to leave the palazzo I reflect on all that happened for me personally this past month.  I experienced the challenges of trying to living presently, while being forced to plan for the future.

The more time that passes since graduating in 2012, the more clear I feel my next steps should be.  Quite the opposite has been happening up to this point.  I have had MORE experiences and those have really just created new interest.  I think the fun in all of the confusion is really thinking creatively on how I can connect a love of community, urban planning, design, relationships, small business practices, and entrepreneurship.  The more exciting part all of that is what is happening for me RIGHT NOW, by being here in Italy. To start, I am spending all of this time in Italy, hoping to discover myself a bit more.  I am learning along the way, which was one of my desires for the summer.  It was a desire to learn more about what I truly care about and what God might have in store for my life beyond Italy.  I haven't been so good on the reflecting part, but even when it seems I have more time for it, I will fill the time with something else.  The answers to where life would take me upon returning home came more quickly than I could imagine!

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7

So what's next?  I have the answers, and that is both something to be grateful for and eager about!  Early this month, as I tried to avoid the job search (upon finding out about my new September departure) and be more present, my boyfriend Mike was eager to connect with job prospects in his field.  One day he told me he had news to share and without thinking twice I knew that the news had to be job related.  Michael (yes, I call him both and it gets confusing) told me about the incredible job offer he had received and I immediately told him how crazy he would be if he didn’t take it.  The catch: the job offer was in Dallas, Texas.  We sat on this concept of moving to Texas for a few days, but we were certain that what was next for us was finally being in the same city.  So as hard as I was trying to live presently, all we could talk about was Dallas and what could be for MYSELF in that new place.  My own job search picked back up, but this time for jobs in Dallas.  I knew that I wanted to be working with Habitat, or an organization very similar so my search started through Americorps.  This could give me the chance to earn money for graduate school and build community which I have discovered is my number one desire for every new place I go.  It didn't take long for me to learn about what Habitat for Humanity was doing in the big city of Dallas and before I knew it my cover letter and resume were submitted.  As Michael and I continued talking about Dallas, and slowly introducing the idea to our family and friends, my application process took off!  In just a week I applied, interviewed, and accepted a position with Habitat for Humanity of Greater Dallas.  I will be working as a Family Services Coordinator through Americorps National starting in September!  I am grateful for the opportunity and I knew upon receiving the offer that it was the best thing for me on my own journey. 

For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do -Ephesians 2:10

This new step will take me far from home, twice as far as DC was.  The challenges ahead seems to be hazy thoughts covered by the excitement and anticipation I have for my work with Habitat.  I know that the experience is going to teach me a tremendous amount, both about the organization, but also about living in community with others (and living on very little).  North Carolina and her beautiful mountains have always held a special place in my heart.  Early this year they became even more special because that is where I met Mike.  I won't hesitate to admit that he is the reason Dallas even became an idea, but we are both eager for what the experience will mean in our own ways. It is always hard to think about leaving a place you call home, but to think of creating a home in Dallas seems like the right next step. As I sit in my home here in Sansepolcro, Italy, I remain grateful for family and friends who have ALWAYS supported me, no matter where in the world my life takes me.  One day NC may call me home again, but for now I can't wait to see God's plans for me in the Lone Star state!!

St. Francis of Assisi

St. Francis of Assisi was the son of a wealthy silk merchant, living his life as a soldier and wealthy young man, until he had a vision.  He lost taste for worldly things and was moved to live in poverty.  Choosing to live a life with little to no worldly goods is hard to imagine.  We walk around saying we don't need these things but a frequent trip to LOFT is what sometimes kept me sane on sad lonely days in DC.  Material possessions (and the desire for them) are what kept my life insane from October to the end of the Holidays in January for the past two years (retail!).  I know we don’t live this way (a life of simplicity)-- not in the US, but not really anywhere.  It is a choice made my an individual who at some point in his or her life has an experience that is both profound and unworldly.  It is an experience that I feel can only be described by God's grace. How is it that St. Francis could live on so little by choice?!  He is evidence of God's grace working and proof that poverty has been a part of life since the 11th century. 

I am eager to learn about the life of someone who could have had what we call "The American Dream," but chose to have nothing--nothing of this world at least.  Instead he was filled with a desire to serve God and preach the good news to the people of Italy.  He created an entire community of followers who came to also believe that the "Franciscan way" of life was the way which was most related to the way Christ chose to live out his life.  As I think about how St. Francis must have trusted in God, I am astounded and ashamed.  Okay, I realize he was a saint, and God called on him in a specific and spectacular way.  My questions are: How did St. Francis find strength to life with nothing?  How did St. Francis share the word in a way that created a following of thousands.  God's love and persistence was there, no doubt. 

As I continue to live in Italy for the next two months I hope to learn more about the life and sacrifices of St. Francis of Assisi.  I also hope to carry these thoughts and observations from all that I learn into my next experience.  That is one that deserves a whole other blog post to explain.  And so I keep attempting to learn and search for new ideas everyday I am here...

The Process

When you are traveling you are on an adventure.  Even when you don’t want to admit it you are on a quest, a search for something deeper.  You may be looking for answers, or purpose, or more meaning to your life.  Perhaps you are just looking to escape.  I have felt that pressure--of what it's like to be a traveler since getting back to Italy.  Is it that I am still trying to figure out my desires for returning or because as a "traveler" I feel pressure to be on a deeper search?

 

I left college more certain of my purpose than I am as I sit here two years later.  More experiences have developed, more interests.  Instead of feeling a "calling" to one I begin to wonder if I'll just pick what sounds okay.  No, that can't be the right way though. 

I listened to a sermon yesterday and it was a reminder of that everything we do has meaning and we have to understand this thing called life is a process from "bring anointed to being appointed."  We are an instant gratification society these days, and my generation is especially eager and impatient.  This process was discussed as the point where we accept God's love leading to prayer, and our search for that purpose. 

When I get fearful of the unknown, all I am truly doing is missing today. My hope here is to accept the silence and listen to it, to soak it in.  So, be still, seek purpose, and understand the journey is often even more important than whatever the destination is.

"...And in the meantime, this side of Paradise, it is our business (not like so many peddlers of God's word, but as men and women of sincerity) to speak with our hearts (which is what sincerity means) and to bear witness to, and live out of, and live toward, and live by, the true word of his holy story as it seeks to stammer itself forth through the holy stories of us all." -Frederick Buechner

Check Yourself

I guess this is a check in with myself, because I haven't been writing like I should.  I am not happy that i've only found time to write when my head is too full NOT to.  It can't all get out when that is the only time I write.  My schedule may not be packed, but I am still observing and learning.  That is worthy of reflecting upon.

My thoughts on being present so far this month: Life is happening. Things are continuing to move and change while I'm here in Italy. Most importantly in THIS very moment, I am trying to find time to pray.  Big and exciting things have happened and big decisions are being made.   Sometimes when big and exciting things happen they're the only thing that you think about.  For me, the exciting future that could be ahead is too far off from what is now.  As of today, I have officially extended my time here, so that means I should be working harder to build community.  All this to say?  If you haven't realized my number one goal has been my biggest challenge so far in June.

Fundraising has been so much fun, but the momentum must keep up!  I still need just under $400 to make my June goal.   The biggest challenge is being creative enough to find new donors and thinking of ways to reach out to my community here in Italy.   I love fundraising but I have to connect with folks in Sansepolcro in order to have an event, or get donations. 

The Italian comes back in small spurts.  I remember a verb just when I need it most, although I am most likely not conjugating it correctly.  I did realize that trying to study 2 verbs, a few adjectives, and about 5 nouns may be a good plan for the rest of the month. 

Have to learn Italian to get folks to learn about my race and fundraising, and to build community.  Should write more so I can reflect and then continue to enjoy each present moment a bit more.  Yeah, it all goes hand-in-hand...

Continuing to work on things for HM Designs.  Created an inspiration page to add to my website for a bit of flair and individualism.  Work in progress.  Next, I want to meet and work with more artists here in Sansepolcro.

June Goals

Today, as I've done everyday I thought more about my dreams of owning a small business

This time I thought about it a bit more seriously.  What if all of the other options in my head aren't working because this option is supposed to work sooner than I thought.  Am I marketing myself enough? 

Then there is the fundraising that has kicked off, and kicked off again.  Not much movement on the donation page, but praying that things pick up here soon!  Seeking hope and solutions for getting the word out about Serious Fun Children's Network!

I've always been one for goal setting, but I figured maybe writing them down for myself and even others to see may help ensure things progress this month.  I will have to check in every week, but here goes nothing!

June goals:

1. Be present. I am in Italy, and I have to let life happen HERE for the next three months
2. Raise $600 for Serious Fun Children's Network
3. Improve my Italian, one conjugation at a time!
4. Blog daily, whether it's here or on my running blog
5. Get new clients. 1-3 would rock, and doing an event for the Fall would be perfection

I can refer back to my desires for my summer when I need to "check myself" as well. 

Happy June Everyone!

Observations & Convictions

Just a few weeks ago I joined the Lenior Rhyne students in Florence for a day trip.  Because I have been to Florence and my budget for the summer is tight, I chose to visit the Palazzo Pitti (Pitti Palace) and then take myself to lunch.  I spent the rest of the day doing a lot of people watching, including watching other students from the US.  I watched with curiosity as they shopped in H&M, stood in lines for museums, and talked about their travel plans.  My first question was and always is: do these students know how lucky they are to be in Italy?!  Well that brought me to a follow up question, and let me tell you, it was a moment of conviction...

You see I realized that I was struggling with some loneliness and confusion, questioning my return to Italy.  The conviction hit me when I asked myself: Do you realize how lucky you are to be here?!  Everyone I love most is thrilled I am here, and they have been the ones reminding me this is a wonderful opportunity for self discovery and rest.  What a gift?!  To be supported, and in this place.

This place is home for the next three months.  It is time to rest in that fact, that OPPORTUNITY.  It is an opportunity to leave my comfort zone and discover being present and connect with this community.

My desires for this summer:
1) listen.
2) connect.
3) learn.
4) run.
5) fundraise.
6) travel and see.

"Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry and narrow-mindedness and many of our people need it sorely on those accounts. Broad, wholesome, charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one's lifetime" -Mark Twain, Innocents Abroad (1869)

Returning to Italy

It was 5 years ago, in 2009, that I began my blog as part of my requirements for my study abroad experience here in Sansepolcro, Italy.  Little did I know that curiosity and a hope for rediscovery would bring me back here 5 years later.  I have been note taking and journaling endless feelings about what it’s like to be back in a place where I've been before, but one far from home in North Carolina. 

It is hard not to create expectations when you return somewhere but it has been a goal of mine to let life happen.  Although this small Tuscan town hasn't changed too much, I have.  I am no longer student, and this creates an opportunity to be whatever I want to be.  I am still eager to learn but with a new hope that I can be present.  So far I have learned that running helps, rom coms do not.  I have realized that I am now more unsure of my life's next steps than I was as a student 5 years ago, or even a graduate 2 years ago.

I am hoping to take a hold of the truth that God is looking over me, and will give me strength to overcome the obstacles I fear lie ahead.  The Lord will comfort me in my loneliness and protect me in my new adventures traveling.

This is an opportunity… to learn, and to grow.  Each day I will try to do just that.

Thanks DC

Goodbyes are tough, especially when you are too busy to remember them!  Today happened so fast, yet so much happened.  I felt as if I was APART from the significant moments of the day and not A PART of them.

I look at the calendar on my wall (which should be taken down and packed by now) and can't comprehend how March is already coming to a close and with it, this huge chapter in DC!

Thanks for the memories DC, and the lessons learned along the way.  You have given me the opportunity to make incredibly inspiring and intelligent friends, and I've been challenged in ways I wouldn’t have experienced anywhere else.

Frederick Buechner puts it beautifully when he says "It was a long while ago that the words God be with you disappeared into the work goodbye, but every now and again some trace of them still glimmers through."  So DC, may you continue to challenge, excite and inspire people like me who come, and continue to be that for those that stay. As I leave this home I have created to head back to a place I know I can always call home, I will be grateful for this time.

Dear DC

This is the last week. It has snuck up on me amongst the madness of work and packing and trying to pack it all in.  My time in this city has taught me so much.  I have made great friends, found myself lonelier than ever at other times, and leave a better person.   Now I must leap. 

In this never ending winter, I remember the seasons of I have spent here.  Fond memories include braving the cold to run to the inauguration and avoid riding the metro on one of its busiest days. Another is sitting in the sunshine one weekday just staring at the cherry blossoms last year.  I was able to log miles and miles of running down Wisconsin Avenue taking in the view of those heading to and from work, my fellow running community, and the buildings and special places that make this city unique.  I enjoyed weekdays off, and while many others were at work I would explore the nations capital. I bought too many books, but filled up my time to read only a few.  I ate "all the breakfasts" and too many cups of coffee with close friends.  I learned what it was like to juggle 3 jobs while trying to find one that was a "better fit."  I felt and experienced the challenge of that job search, and ended up learning so much about managing and working for a company that valued me.  The unpredictable place I ended up instilled a new passion for entrepreneurship through my ever present passion for community.  That's evidence of breakthroughs from the leap I took coming here.

Before coming to DC I wouldn't have called myself a runner, or a listener, or a manager.  Before coming here I thought finding community was easy, and didn't take much work.  It takes a LOT.  Perhaps it takes TIME.  Did I give this place enough time?  Will I return?  These are the questions that challenged me when I thought about leaving.  By the beginning of the year, I knew it would be one that was about risk and change. It was time to get back to Italy. How would I do that?! And when?

There is a ticket to Italy in my inbox with MY name on it.  I made the choice and I'm taking that risk now.  I am leaving a comfortable place that I have "settled" for these last two years.  I can't settle now because it is a season for risk taking and MOVEMENT.  It is time to be a bit more vulnerable.  I am in a season where I find my heart in a new relationship, vulnerable and eager.  I'm anxious to spend time with those that know me best, but can't wait to spend time alone in Tuscany once again.

What breakthroughs will these risks lead me to?  I can't wait to find out.

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to UPROOT, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to DANCE, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to LOVE and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for PEACE.  What do workers gain from their toil?  I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race.  He has made everything beautiful IN ITS TIME.  He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.  I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live.  That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil- this is the gift of God.  I know that everything God does will ensure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it.  God does it so that people will fear him." -Ecclesiastes 3:1-14

Without Risks

Author Note: I am embarrassed when I see the amount of time that has passed since I last blogged.  It hasn't been that long since I last started an entry or had an idea I wanted to share, but it's just that sitting down and creating a post that would actually make any sense to everyone else but me can be challenging.  Sometimes we have ideas that we think are a bit crazy and sometimes it may be best to keep those inside.  I need to write more though.  It brings about a feeling of release and that is why going into this new year I told myself that it was time to commit to making the time to share life through my blog once again. 

Now that I have written an entire intro to a simple blog post to lessen my writers block guilt I can move onto this new goal and this new year.  Isn't it crazy we are in 2014 already!?  I mean how did that happen?  There is NO way I graduated almost 2 years ago from Meredith College, but enough with what was.  I want to make this year awesome. That's truly my simple resolution.  If I am doing all of the little things I have thought would make the year great, then I will undoubtedly have an awesome year.

I entered this past advent season in a bit of darkness about what this year could bring and as the weeks passed and I decided what I knew this year could and SHOULD be, I made my way into the light.  Last year I remained in DC and continued my search for community, a vision that hasn't been painted clear but that I know will come with time.  I continued to grow in my job as a manager where a lot of physical transitions were happening, but I remained with the same company.  This year it is about the risks though and that means change is up ahead.

I was "home" at Meredith College for Cornhuskin this year when a mentor and friend of mine sat down with me for a quick catch up. There I was, talking about my year and how I knew the next year had to look different.  She has always been good about being 1)honest 2)straight forward.  I carry our conversation with me throughout this season of Epiphany because it is a realization that takes me into this next phase: "Without risk there can be no change, and without change no breakthroughs." 

What breakthroughs might happen this year?  Well that is the fun part.  We chose the risks we take, but we have no ideas what the change will look like or what it will later help us realize.  That all sounds beautiful but I also thought it beneficial to share a sliver of what a not so hopeful and impatient heart wrote just recently:

How is it 2014, a year that I insist will be full of opportunity yet I am worried that it is already here and I haven't prepared myself enough for it!  I don’t have the money to move on to the next opportunity.  I don't have the next opportunity to get me to the other opportunity waiting further down the road.  I don't think I am using my time wisely.  What could I be doing differently?  I ask myself all of these questions yet they overwhelm me and then nothing happens except a stagnant young women refusing to actually listen in her stillness but if I don’t listen how can I know what opportunities are there or which ones I should take.  I fill my days with work and if work cant fill my time, something less meaningful sneaks in. (January 9)

Many thanks to Jan Richardson for her beautiful words in this Epiphany blessing which I will end this (but stick around, because I have more coming soon!) post with:

For Those Who Have Far to Travel

An Epiphany Blessing

If you could see

the journey whole

you might never

undertake it;

might never dare

the first step

that propels you

from the place

you have known

toward the place

you know not.

Call it

one of the mercies

of the road:

that we see it

only by stages

as it opens

before us,

as it comes into

our keeping

step by

single step.

There is nothing

for it

but to go

and by our going

take the vows

the pilgrim takes:

to be faithful to

the next step;

to rely on more

than the map;

to heed the signposts

of intuition and dream;

to follow the star

that only you

will recognize;

to keep an open eye

for the wonders that

attend the path;

to press on

beyond distractions

beyond fatigue

beyond what would

tempt you

from the way.

There are vows

that only you

will know;

the secret promises

for your particular path

and the new ones

you will need to make

when the road

is revealed

by turns

you could not

have foreseen.

Keep them, break them,

make them again:

each promise becomes

part of the path;

each choice creates

the road

that will take you

to the place

where at last

you will kneel

to offer the gift

most needed—

the gift that only you

can give—

before turning to go

home by

another way.